


When you want to live

by ninemoons42



Series: I'm Charlotte Xavier, Call Me Charles [3]
Category: X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, F/M, First Time, Genderswap, Sleepiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-10
Updated: 2011-08-10
Packaged: 2017-10-22 11:36:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/237611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninemoons42/pseuds/ninemoons42





	When you want to live

  
title: When you want to live  
author: [](http://ninemoons42.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**ninemoons42**](http://ninemoons42.dreamwidth.org/)  
word count: 4,663  
fandom: X-Men: First Class [movieverse]  
pairing: Charles Xavier/Erik Lehnsherr [finally!]  
rating: R  
notes: Conclusion to the story begun in [The girl with the thorn in her side](http://ninemoons42.dreamwidth.org/180656.html) and continued in [And if they don't believe us now](http://ninemoons42.dreamwidth.org/181867.html). A genderflip AU where Charles Xavier is actually Charlotte Xavier, sister of Raven Xavier. Dr. Erik Lehnsherr runs a tea shop with his sister Emma Lehnsherr. Lots of fluff and snark and emotions. Please heed the change in rating! NSFW stuff ahead!  
Title and cut text adapted from The Smiths, "The boy with the thorn in his side".

  
A soft chirp from her computer. It wasn't enough to disrupt the quiet of her office, where she was buried up to her elbows in getting ready for the new term – but it was enough of a distraction and she stretched, yawned and scratched her arms, before clicking on the notification.

 _Email from Emma L_

Charles pulled up the link.

And then she began to laugh.

 _“Emma, please take a moment to think about it. When did I ever look like a mouse? Why are you making me wear these ridiculous ears?”_

 _“Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately, Charles? Have you looked at your friends? Even Sean has a few inches on you and he is the runt of the shop. Face facts, please. You're the smallest person here in the shop on any given day.”_

 _“Oh, sure, I would like some more salt in my wounds, I'm not nearly hurting enough.”_

 _“Shush, you. Just wait until you see what I convinced Erik to wear.”_

 _“There's nothing more ridiculous than mouse ears!”_

 _“Do you care to wager on it.”_

Erik with a foam shark's fin on his head; herself with a pair of oversized brown ears made of felt, and a black smudge on her nose. Thank goodness they'd been allowed to keep their clothes: Erik in his usual turtleneck, and she'd told him it looked good on him; in return, he'd refrained from poking too much fun at her tweed jacket.

It had been the boys' idea to have an end-of-summer fancy-dress party at the tea shop, and the evil thing was that they'd asked Emma to think up the costumes.

Oh, Charles remembered having to put down her drink in order to laugh at Hank, in blue fur and big-cat teeth; at Janos in very short white shorts; at Sean in some kind of strange winged suit; at Armando strutting around in a sort of strange suit of armor. Emma herself was sitting primly in her all-white outfit of corset and hot pants and knee-high boots.

And she remembered hiding her blushes every time she looked at Erik, grumbling good-naturedly as he reached up every so often to keep the fin from falling off his head.

Now she was looking at the photos from that night – and she decided to save the first one in the set to the hard drive. The two of them trying to hide in one of the alcoves near the front door, and Erik asking for permission to put his arms around her: his deep, rumbling voice; his warm breath in her hair; her gloved hands coming up to his wrists. Her hope that he wouldn't notice that she was shaking. The two of them looking in different directions and then the flash of the camera going off. She remembered Sean laughing and backing away, making hearts with his hands at them.

She took a sip of her tea – it was stone-cold now; the heating in the halls wouldn't be turned on for another week or so – and looked back down at her crowded desk, at the handful of windows open on her laptop.

 _Ping_ of an instant messaging window, and she smiled when she saw her brother's usual avatar, a clumsily edited blue-skinned version of himself. Her fingers flying over the keyboard. _Hey, you._

 _Hi, sis. You pulling another one of your famous all-nighters again?_

 _How did you know?_

 _You emptied out your chocolate stash. I just brought you a ton of stuff._

Charles giggled and looked down at her bag. Bright flashes of gold foil and purple waxed paper peeking up from one of the pockets. Back to the monitor, typing: _I told you they were giving me more work this term, right? And I haven't even got started on the big project we're putting together with Engineering._

 _Classes start in two weeks! And after that I'll never get to see you._

 _Says the person who keeps flying off around the world._

 _:( Low blow, Charles._

She sighed and scrubbed her hands over her face again, and thought about it. _Okay, compromise, come and see me here? I can get takeaway, or you can bring us dinner._

 _I'm surprised you're making that offer to me. What about the tea shop?_

 _I've just been. Besides, even they're moping, because Erik's not here._ Charles sighed, loud in the silence of her room. _He's gone to New York for a medical conference. As I understand it, he had been asked to present a paper; he couldn't say no._

 _Shit timing, then._

She looked at the newly-saved photo, which she'd turned into her desktop wallpaper – had that really only been last weekend? Erik had left in the morning, calling her from the airport to wish her well, and she had told him “Good luck” and tried not to sigh too much. Emma wasn't expecting him back until the end of the week. _Quite._

 _I'll bring you stuff from that Chinese place down the road. Spicy?_

 _Please. I'll tell the sister you're coming, so she can let you in._

It was going to take Raven a half-hour or so to get to her office – so Charles slid her feet back into her boots and let herself out, speaking to the minder at the front desk before sitting down on the steps to the Genetics building for a last glimpse of the early autumn sun. The distant chimes of the carillon playing _Hey Jude_. Humming along, watching as runners made their solitary rounds.

Some sections of the university still held classes during the summer term – but even those had finished, and this was one of the truly quiet periods in the academic year.

The carillon's song faded out and she pulled her coat closer, made her way back into her office, sighing at the little warmth she'd managed to store up near her desk.

Raven was knocking on her door a few minutes later, and she smiled and drew in a deep breath of spicy, savory scents. “I take it there were a lot of people with the same idea?”

“Yes,” he said. “Up to and including some people wearing the shirts from that tea shop.”

“Oh?” Charles asked as she cleared her desk. “Which ones?”

“Sean and Armando,” Raven said. “I walked over to them and said I was your brother, and they asked how you were. They seem to like you a lot, Charles.”

She shrugged and started opening the takeaway boxes. “And I like them, a lot. It's nice to have friends.”

“You do seem happier when you're around them.”

“And you, never forget you.”

“And Erik.”

Charles laughed and turned the monitor around. “Are you going to say the same thing now that you've seen this?”

“Nope,” Raven said after a moment. “I'd be more interested in asking, when are you two actually ever going to get together? I mean, I know you've been pretty much mooning after him for weeks and weeks – oi!”

Charles threw another wad of crumpled paper at him. “I have not been mooning after Erik,” she hissed.

“If it's any consolation, I think he's got it really bad for you.”

“Prove it.”

“His face when we met, when he looked up and saw you. Charles. Did you know he stayed where he was until we turned the corner? And if you don't believe me, look.”

She followed his pointing finger – to the still-open email from Emma, to another one of the photos from the party.

The two of them, sitting next to each other, a blurry close-up on their faces. Charles doing Erik's own smile, fingers hooked in the corners of her mouth to help widen the grin. Her eyes red from looking into the camera, and from the schnapps that she'd been sneaking from Emma's stash behind the bar.

Beside her, Erik, and the expression on his face as he looked at her was difficult to describe. Equal parts wonder and want and deer in the headlights; the confused smile of a man who knew and didn't know what he wanted all at the same time.

Charles carefully put her chopsticks down and then covered her face with her hands. “Oh my goodness.”

“It's nice when you can see actual proof of it,” Raven said, after a moment. “So this is me performing my sacred duty as a brother, this is me with the kick up your backside to go and get him already.”

“I guess you should laugh, now,” Charles said, and she got up and went around the desk and leaned down to embrace him. “Because this will be one of the times when you'll hear me say, I have no idea what I'm doing.”

“I do – take him home,” Raven said.

Charles immediately whacked him on the back of his head.

“I'm serious, sis,” he said, rubbing the sore spot. “Go to his place, get a room, I don't care, just. That is, I'm assuming you've at least kissed and made out a couple of times.”

“Yes to the first one, a qualified no to the second.”

“You were always going slowly,” Raven teased. “Did you ever even get to _kiss_ that American guy? Rogers?”

“No,” and Charles perked up, giggling a little, “but I probably shouldn't be telling you about what I did when I was going out with his friend Tony.”

She giggled even more when he almost fell out of his chair laughing.

“Moving on,” her brother said when he'd got his breath back. “Are there any important dates or whatever coming up? Did you even find out when his birthday is? Does he know about yours?”

“No, yes, and yes. Wait a moment, how do you define _important date_?”

“Anniversary?”

“Don't be absurd,” Charles laughed.

“How many months, then?”

“Since spring term?”

“Awkward. Wait. When's he coming back from New York?”

“Friday.”

“Then that's it,” and he grinned again. “I'd been meaning to go out with my bike buddies, anyway. I'll get out of your way, shall I? Fuck knows you deserve it.”

“Raven – ” She began to say.

“Ah-ah, not another word out of you, don't even try to hide it. I know you were sneaking out and staying here when I was bringing people home. You were so going out of your way in order to avoid cockblocking me, which, you know that's going above and beyond the bro code or something? And now it's my turn. Payback time, sis, and I am so looking forward to it. And it's not just this time, too, if you need it – all you need to do is let me know and I'm going to get lost.”

“I don't know what to say,” Charles finally said.

“Say _thank you_ and start making plans,” Raven said, and started picking up the empty cartons. “As for me, I'm going home to sleep. Make sure you're back around midnight; I'm making you pancakes in the morning.”

She walked out with him onto the steps and they both paused to take in the quiet night, the soft glow of lights from nearby windows. She put her arms around his waist. “Have I ever told you you're an amazing brother?”

“Every day when you remember, and twice when you don't.”

She smiled when she felt him kiss the top of her head. “Well, consider yourself so informed today.”

“Got it. And Charles?”

“Yes?”

“Just, go get him.”

“I don't know why you approve of him so much, given you've only met him all of once.”

“I don't need to see him over and over again. I only have to look at you. More than happy, you've been content. And I like seeing you content.”

And that made her hug him again, smiling when he hugged her back just as tightly.

///

 _Thursday afternoon_

A sneeze, and another, and another, and Charles reached absently for the box of tissues, batted dust away from the library books with her free hand. Work was coming along fine on one of her papers for that upcoming conference in Geneva; she was already vaguely thinking about asking Emma and Erik both to join her; and she was already thinking about dipping into her bank account to buy some good suits while she was there.

And that was when there was a soft buzz – the faculty intercom going off.

As far as she knew, she was alone in the building.

“Looking for Miss Xavier,” said a familiar voice. “Anyone here?”

She knew that voice; she'd missed hearing it; and she hadn't been expecting it, not until tomorrow.

Charles reverently closed her books, hopped up from her desk, and pelted out of her office, stockinged feet on the cool floors be damned. Down a short flight of stairs to the front door, her skirt swirling around her knees, and she leaned out of the door leading out into the lobby of the building. “Nobody here but us chickens,” she said, grinning with all her heart.

It was Erik, and he was actually there, and he was still carrying the effects of goodness knows how many hours of traveling right there in his face – but he was smiling, and he looked like he was happy to see her, and that was the important bit, wasn't it?

Charles held out her gloved hands to him, smiled when he took both hands in one of his own, when he bent down to plant a chaste kiss on her forehead.

His voice falling an octave, making her shiver. “I came here as soon as I could; I have not even stopped at my own home; I asked the cab to take me here from the airport. I – I wanted to see you again.”

“And I'm glad to see you, more than you know, but let's let your sister know you're all right, yes?” She smiled and flipped out her mobile phone, hit one of the speed-dial buttons. “Emma? Hello, dear. I seem to have your brother here with me, and he wants to let you know he's come home, early, and all in one piece.”

“Thanks, Charles. You looking after him?”

She looked up, watched Erik's eyelids drooping. “It seems that way. I will have him back to you after he's had a rest.”

“Take however long you like,” and there was definitely a teasing undertone to her friend's voice now. “You have my permission to do with him as you wish.”

“Talk to you soon.”

The next phone call was to Raven: “I need to borrow River.”

“I thought I was picking you up?”

“Plans have changed.” Charles laughed quietly. “Erik is home. I'm walking him down the hall to my office right now.”

“Oh. _Oh,_ I get it. Right, let me go talk to my buddies and I'll drop River off in a few minutes. I'm assuming you want me out until whenever?”

“I do want to see you over the weekend, Raven; come home after tomorrow morning, please?”

“Compromise; I'll bring enough food for a late lunch?”

“All right. Love you.”

She locked the door of her office behind them, left Erik leaning against the wood so she could clear the books and papers off her tiny loveseat. “Sit, sit, you look absolutely shattered.”

“I can feel every minute of that long flight – thank you,” Erik said, sinking into the worn cushions.

“Do you need to put your feet up?”

“That is not important.” His hand was strong around her wrist and Charles let herself be pulled down to sit next to him. His arms around her, his broad chest beneath her ear. The thud of his heartbeat. His slow, even breathing. “I was cursing every moment of that conference. How was I to enjoy New York when I could not even have you at my side?”

“You know I wanted to go with you, Erik,” Charles said, quietly. “But I had obligations here, as well.”

“I know, and I am glad that you have continued to work. I smell books and electricity in here. You have a very comfortable office.”

“You are _not_ sleeping here, Erik.”

“But I am content, here, with you.”

There was that word again, _content_ , and she smiled and kissed his temple. A smudge of grey hair. “You might like it better if you were in a real bed.”

“And where am I to find one?”

Charles swallowed, and murmured, “I was hoping you'd come home, with me.”

“How?”

“Raven is dropping off River for us. And then he's going to go out.”

She smiled when Erik cracked open one eye. “You have been making plans.”

“You can always say no, you know.”

“I will not.” Those arms tightening around her.

Thirty minutes later she'd packed up the office and she was guiding Erik back outside, to where Raven and one of his friends were idling on the curb. “Hello, Logan,” she said, waving at the man with the cigar. “I'd tell you this is a no-smoking place, but then again, I'm about to make you go away.”

“'Lo, Charles,” Logan said. “Thanks for letting us have your brother. Promise we'll have him back mostly in one piece.”

“Have fun.” To Raven, she said, “Be careful, please?”

“Always. Love you.”

She helped him buckle on his helmet; she guided one of his arms around her shoulders and the other one around her waist as she started River up. “Hold on, Erik.”

“I trust you, Charles.”

///

Erik looked peaceful, she thought as she looked at him. There he was on the right side of her bed, and the light from the window fell on him, over the lines and the sharp edges of his face.

She tore herself away from him just long enough to make a final circuit of the house.

Erik had just barely managed to maneuver through the flat, had needed some assistance to get out of his coat and shirt and shoes, and now he was sleeping with the light blanket drawn up to his hips.

Chuckling softly, Charles tied one of her scarves to the outside doorknob, before stepping back into the room and locking the door behind her.

As she walked to the bed, Erik stirred, and opened his eyes, and smiled sleepily at her. “I apologize for falling asleep, Charles.”

“Don't be silly, that's why I brought you back here, you need to rest,” she said, and she kissed him briefly, before stretching out beside him. She was immediately moving toward him, curling up into his side; she moved to let him wrap his arms around her, and for a moment, she was very conscious of the oversized t-shirt she liked to sleep in; of Erik stripped down to his undershirt. The warmth of Erik's skin – she was torn between sinking into it and holding herself away.

“Sleep, Charles,” Erik was murmuring, his hand moving through her hair. “Stay, and sleep.” The press of his mouth to the back of her neck. “Everything else can wait till the morning.”

She smiled, then, even as she was shivering, trying to press closer to him. “Yes.”

And she fell straight into dreams. Charles was always a light sleeper, and anything could wake her up: an idea for a new paper on genetics and molecular biology; the next-door neighbors having another row; cats calling to each other in the night; the click of Raven's key in the door. But with Erik at her side –

Warmth, an extended version of that first ride she'd taken Erik on, up the river flowing through the university grounds, flashes of events that never happened. Dancing with Erik under the shadow of the carillon, her bare feet braced atop his shoes, his hand tangling into her short hair. Emma in a crimson gown, ebony hair sticks pinning her half-done plait to the back of her head. Raven throwing his favorite knife from hand to hand, with the boys clapping around him.

And she woke up to the sun beginning to rise above the horizon, flat on her front with a large, warm hand passing between her shoulderblades, down to her waist and back up to her neck. The bitter-sharp aroma of coffee. She raised her head slowly from her pillow. “Erik?”

“You sleep very soundly, I wonder if you have not been tired yourself.”

Charles rolled over, saw Erik sitting next to her. The chipped cup in his free hand. “I am such a terrible hostess,” she moaned, and then she hauled herself out of bed. She washed her face and hands in the kitchen sink, put together some sandwiches, and went to get the morning papers from her doorstep. “I'm sorry,” she said, once she was back in her room. “I don't really do this very often – have people over to stay, I mean.”

Erik smiled, and patted the bed, and Charles huffed out a little laugh and offered him a sandwich. “Not as good as the ones you brought me, but we do have some nice cheeses.”

“I like cheese,” Erik said, mildly, and Charles fed him most of the sandwiches, until: “I have had my fill, and now it is your turn.” Erik was batting her hands away, was tearing the last two sandwiches into smaller pieces – and then he was holding one out to her between his fingers, smiling. “Eat.”

“If this is your idea of foreplay, Erik – ” she said, giggling between bites.

“I had not thought of that before,” he said. An easy chuckle. “Perhaps you might tell me if it is working.”

“I'll tell you in a moment.” When she'd finished the sandwiches she took the plate from him, set it carefully on the floor – and after a moment's thought, she took the coffee as well, ignoring Erik's raised eyebrow. She moved along the bed until she was right in front of Erik – and then she was climbing into his lap, and his frown had turned into a slow burn of a smile.

“ _Hello_ ,” Charles said. Her hands were on his cheeks, the rough burr of stubble already forming, scraping against her palms. She brushed his hair back from his face, dropped a kiss on his nose, giggled when that got her a wide smile. “I've missed you,” she said, after a moment. “I wondered what it would be like to return to New York, and to be with you for it.”

“You lived there.”

“When Raven and I were children, yes. We moved to Oxford for university. I think my stepfather still owns property in the North Salem area, but I'd only be in danger of seeing him if I were to travel out to the seaboard, and I'm assuming your conference took place in NYC?”

“Yes. Every dreary moment of it. I might have done my presentation half-asleep.”

Charles laughed softly, kissed him between his eyebrows. “And are you half-asleep now that you're here with me?”

“Sleep,” Erik said between kisses, “is the farthest thing from my mind right now.”

And Charles was laughing as he pulled her down, their bodies crashing into each other. Erik's fingertips tracing around her ankles and up to her knees; the taste of the sweat pooling in his collarbones. She sought out his lines and his scars and his imperfections, smoothed them out under her hands and lips, tasting his pleasure on her tongue. Every time she kissed him she felt his hands tightening convulsively around her arms and her shoulders and her wrists.

Erik's mouth! She watched him nip at her fingertips, watched him curl his tongue around her thumb. Pushing his head down to her skin, feeling him kiss her throat and lick along the insides of her elbows; his fingers stroking the sensitive curve between her breasts. Then she threw her head back onto the pillows, falling and whispering his name, as he spread her legs, as he slid careful fingers into her, as he bent to taste her.

The feel of his cock in her mouth, later on. Charles smiled and looked up, watched the expressions crossing his face, his hands moving from the back of his head to cover his face to fist in the sheets – and in the end she took pity on him, took one of his hands and held it firmly to the back of her own head.

And then, giggling and whispering to him, “Here, it doesn't matter I'm tiny – here, we're the same height,” as he loomed over her. Their hands shaking around the condom packet. The slick wet warmth of their joining, the soft cries she was muffling in his shoulder, his voice murmuring delight and encouragement. Erik laughing as she clawed at him, her nails digging into the skin of his back. Erik pushing her on to her climax with his voice and his hands, and the world dissolving into light.

After, Erik pulled her to lie on top of him, traced random patterns over her skin, the small of her back. “Strange, that I do not wish to be parted from you, though this is not my home and I must go back to the hospital soon.”

“That's the afterglow talking,” Charles said, and went back to nosing along the hard line of his jaw. “Hormones, and all.”

“I certainly hope not.”

“If it's any consolation – if I had my way, if I ruled the world, I'd tie you to this bed and never let you leave.” She felt the heat rising in her cheeks, felt the giddiness and the laughter cresting, like a wayward wave, in her heart.

“I would willingly submit,” Erik laughed, and he didn't even make a sound when she pinched him, playfully, in the ribs. “Such delicious hardship.”

“Idiot.”

A few moments later, spooned together, and Erik warm against her back: “Erik?”

“Charles?”

“I like you a lot. I...I might even be in love with you.”

She was expecting him to laugh.

Instead, she felt him pull her closer, felt him kiss the back of her head – and it was the gesture from the fancy-dress party, and she smiled, understanding him now – and he was saying, quietly, “Thank you for saying that.” Pause, and then: “Although it is a funny thing, that I am always the last one to say it, when I was in other relationships, and I am doing it again – and before you complain, I do not intend to pursue that line of thought, so please do not pinch me.”

Charles laughed, then, giddy and glorious, and she turned around and kissed him, drawing the warmth of his smile into her. She pulled away, still giggling – and Erik caught her and pulled her back and kissed her again, the two of them falling into each other, and the loud knock on the door and Raven's voice hollering “Make sure you're both decent when you come out!” only made them both laugh the harder.

[the end]  



End file.
